This is What She Told Me

“I had really only been missing for one night.”  Oddly, that offered me some comfort and now I find that it wasn’t actually true.

Ash is one hundred per cent correct when she writes that this is all hard to think about.  It’s hard to go back and bring it up again only to find out that what I had thought to be true is not.  Ash and I talked about this after she posted and she actually did not remember what she had told me.  None of this makes me angry or frustrated, but it is heartbreaking to again realize just how brutal this addiction beast can be.

I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to see my daughter stick a needle in her arm let alone her foot or neck because she had permanent damage to her veins.  Unless you are smacked in the face with it, could you even fathom knowing this was what your child was doing?

Then I read the , “Oh, shit Smash!”  I knew the next part was not going to be any comfort.

An entire scalp picked at until it is raw??  I won’t go any further.  Ashley tries so hard to protect me from the nightmares of this addiction and I have to protect and take care of myself so that I can be here for her.  Raw??  I cannot even watch the detox shows.  I know detoxing is hell. I also know that I would see the addict in those shows as my daughter.  It is clear to me that if I were in a situation with Ash and she was detoxing, I would be able to stay with her if that was what was best for her.  I just can’t watch someone else and imagine it being her.  For some reason that is worse. I find that a bit of a paradox.  As Glennon Doyle Melton states, “We can do hard things”.  I can do hard things, very hard things, when faced with them.

Her sneaking in drugs to the women’s shelter, which I thought was a rehab and to me there is a bit of a difference, did not surprise me.  To know she was in a shelter means she was homeless.  No friends or family to turn to out there.  When my friends and I do FACETS, preparing and delivering food to homeless people, I see my daughter in that line.  Imagining her, skeletal (and yes, I have seen her like this), looking as if she will fall over any second and let go as she stands at the door of a shelter house looking to be let in…sad does not begin to describe it.

Mighty Mouse.  She is that!

I thought Ashley had spent one night on the street by the gay bar.  When she told me that, I again found some comfort because I knew the guys would have taken care of her.  At least she had someone.  Five days?  I did not know.  All I know is that for whatever hell she went through, she is alive today.

I read postings on Facebook and on the blog site written by others who are in this with Ashley.  They admire her honesty and telling it like it is from her eyes so that others may learn and be helped.  I am humbled by these as what they do each day to stay clean is more than I can imagine.

As I have said before, sometimes we begin writing these and find that a break is necessary.  To gather some thoughts.  To plant our feet in the present and not the past.  The most important thing to do if there is an addict in your family is to take care of yourself.  Keep living.  Laughing.  Believing.  It is not a sign of weakness or not caring if one takes a break.  I see it as strength.  Knowing your limits in order to take care of yourself, physically, spiritually, mentally.  In doing that, I am more able to be there for Ash, my family, and my friends.  I would not give up on my daughter for anything.

Most likely, I will be out of internet reach for a few days.  Ashley may post.  Maybe she will tell you about some of the success stories she has seen.  I love those.

One day at a time.

Love my recovering addict.228251_10100113858064399_2319697_n

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