When I read your posts, I am always struck by your honesty and willingness to put out in the world what your struggles, and that of many suffering addiction, have been through. Your last posting on “Heroin” was particularly poignant and you know this because I texted you immediately upon reading it.
It was your opening sentence. “The first time I ever did heroin I was nineteen years old.” I was at rehearsal for the radio show and wandered away so I could be alone and read what you had written. All I could hear in my head was, “She was nineteen. Nineteen. How did I not know??”
No matter how many times we talk, no matter how many times we discuss how much you were able to hide from me, and no matter how grounded I can feel most of the time, the question never completely stops haunting me. I texted you immediately.
ME: “19 huh? I remember you telling me not long before I learned you did heroin, (which was in your late 20’s to my knowledge), how proud you were you had never done it. And you had. Ha! Next blog by momma. Love you.”
ASH: “I think I was referring to never having shot heroin. Honestly, I don’t think it was an intentional lie.”
ME: “May not have been. Interestingly, I took it as you had never done it and felt relief. Oh, the things we learn!”
I felt relief because at that point, was it four or five years now, I thought if she had not done heroin there was hope in a way I had not yet felt. For some reason, if you had not done heroin, maybe things were bad but not so bad there was no chance of a full recovery. You see, I was, and still am, learning about addiction.
Often we talk before posting. Not to change the substance of our posts but to make sure we have grammar and thoughts completed. We had not had the opportunity to do that on this one so my reactions were raw and I don’t think that was a bad thing. It was just a bit different.
It made me think again about recovery centers and sober living homes… how I thought you were safe when there but I suppose you were only as safe as you allowed yourself to be. I also thought you were safe when you went to meetings. I thought you were safe in high school when I took you to mandated drug counseling and was part of those sessions. My naivete is so glaring now. Those have turned out to be some of the “best” places for people to find the drugs they crave.
The time at the beach when you found your boyfriend unresponsive still can haunt me. I liked him. Still do and am extremely happy for him and his family as to how well he is doing in recovery now. Yet when I think of how you were screaming for help and people were standing by watching, not helping, it still turns my stomach. Your being met at the hospital with hostility and cruelty is not one I fault anyone for but it makes me wonder about the manner in which the ER dealt with this particular crisis. I know addicts are people who break our hearts over and over and I also know the addict is not the child I raised. My child is a very different creature when on drugs.
I have known for awhile about your stealing from work. That phone conversation was another heart stopper. We were talking about your making amends and about the meeting you were having with your former employers. I was stunned at how much money you had stolen. Absolutely stunned. I am the person who remembers, at about 4 or 5 years of age, taking a piece of bubblegum from a store. The guilt was so awful, even at that age, that I remember sneaking it back into the store. I could not fathom stealing so much for any reason. You see, I was still learning about the difference between you, my daughter, and you, the addict.
Terrifying to know that when you told them about the theft, you could have been arrested and sent to jail. Terrified but also proud you were doing what was necessary for your recovery and being ready to take responsibility for your actions. But still terrified at the thought of you in jail. Or should I be saying prison? That was a boatload of money. To this day, I am aware of how fortunate you were that your act was met with forgiveness.
Over the years, I have learned that to be a supportive parent to you, I have to take care of myself. I still have a husband, son, daughter-in-law, family, friends and interests which I need in my life. If I don’t work at remaining whole, I can’t be here for you.
Now with the attention on the opioid crisis, I feel we are a team. Our goal is to tell our story as honestly as we can. To help others in their struggles as individuals with an addiction and those of us who love those people. We are trying to find our place, to make our voices heard somewhere so that the stigma of addiction can be eradicated. We are together in wanting our loved ones to walk out into the light of day not ashamed that this is happening in our families and to our friends. It is nothing of which to be ashamed.
I am so very proud of you. You have an inner strength that I always knew you possessed but you never seemed aware of it. You are now. You are always willing to share your personal struggles with others who may be detoxing, recovering, and relapsing as well as people I have asked you to contact. You have been willing to write or talk to parents who need to see through the eyes of a recovering addict what their sons and daughters may be experiencing.
We may be just a very tiny piece of this but at least we are present. As Glennon Melton Doyle always says, we are showing up.
I love you.